the planet project

Christmas shopping is just around the corner folks...

A quintessential woman I am not, you see I don’t like shopping. Shock! Horror! Gasp! Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but I just don’t accept shopping as a national sport, not even for shoes. That’s not to say I don’t take pride in my appearance – it’s just that my hunter gatherer instincts have been hog tied and left in a deep dark cellar, somewhere in Mexico. Needless to say, I hate going to malls and try to avoid doing so on pain of death.

‘Tis not so easy to accomplish as you may think. Social occasions and bonding moments require women to shop together. “Come shopping for a wedding dress with me” is not a proposition that one could decline and continue living. And so the odd feminine foray to the mall is unavoidable.

Rules of Engagement

Necessity is the mother of invention and if you would rather chew glass than take the wife and kids to the department store, I have devised some activities to make these trips a little less like root canal and a little more like fun:

Setting all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at once is fun, but setting them to go off 5 minutes apart is endless fun.

Enlist the kids: It stops them from whining and terrorizing other shoppers. Put them in the cart with arms and mouths bound with duct tape. Assure other shoppers that the situation is ‘under control.’

Dribble tomato juice all the way to the washrooms. Hand prints on the doors won’t hurt either!

When announcements are made, ask other shoppers if they can hear the ‘voices’ too!

Hide in the shopping racks in the women’s section and, when someone moves clothes on a hanger near you, jump out at them.

Cookie dough looks remarkably like brains…..

When trying on clothing, knock on the stall next to you and ask the occupant if there is any toilet paper in there.

Find the in-store cameras and use this as an opportunity to practice you performance art. Nudity is permitted if it’s in the name of art.

Ban Bliss

Aside from improving the shopping experience, being banned from several malls will give you a great excuse not to go shopping. If a friend or family member has had a particularly harrowing trip to the mall with you, tell them to spread it around to ensure that others are forewarned.