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DEATH

Sooner or later, death finds us all, but it finds some of us with our pants down. Most people spend their whole lives seeking a good death. For some this comes easily in the glory of battle or in service to others. But for these people; not so much…

Greek philosopher Chrysippus died laughing while he watched his drunken donkey trying to eat figs.

When George Plantagenet was sentenced to death; he chose to meet his maker by drowning in a barrel of Malmsey wine.

Tycho Brahe decided he would rather die than offend his hosts by leaving the banquet to go to the loo. His wish was granted and a burst bladder dispatched him at the dinner table which; according to: “Our Lady of Fatima Book of Etiquette for Young Ladies Vol. 1” is an even greater faux pas.

Carl McCunn planned to spend several months in the bush, taking wildlife pictures. He got a pilot to drop him in a remote location, but failed to make arrangements for his return. He shot himself when starvation became inevitable.

It was the day before her 100th birthday and Debbie Mills was crossing the road on her way to her party when the truck carrying her birthday cake ran into her wheelchair, killing her instantly.

Michael Lewis had a fight with lover Tony Berry. He drugged him, stripped him and dropped him off in Harlem wearing a sign which read: “Death to N——s’. Two minutes later, Berry was dead.

Jay Newton perished when colleague, BrianHartley, accidentally released a harness holding a twenty ton killer whale at SeaWorld in Florida. Newton was examining the harness at the time and was crushed to death.

Brett Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston waited tables together at the Wild Wing Café in South Carolina. Overcome with mutual ardour, they slipped up to the roof to have public relations. Inexplicably, their love making took a turn for the worse when they both fell off the roof and died, naked on thepavement below.

Ok so we do give them a bad wrap… but they are not the only ones to pack on the calories. Have you wondered how many calories are in your Starbucks coffee? Wonder no more.

Regular coffee (sans milk) weighs in at a negligible 5 calories or less.

A café mocha contains more calories at 260 than a McDonalds hamburger (250 calories) and comes perilously close to the 300 calorie McDonalds cheeseburger.

If you are going to rise to the dizzy heights of the iced peppermint white chocolate mocha (470 calories) you will be consuming more calories than a McDonalds quarter pounder which weighs in at a mere 410 calories.

Burger King has higher calorie counts than McDonalds.

Am I advocating the consumption of fast foods? No, not really, I’m just pointing out that ‘Bucks has a few you may not have noticed.

Pepsi has 150 calories per can.

McDonalds: http://nutrition.mcdonalds.com/nutritionexchange/nutrition_facts.html

Burger King:  http://www.bk.com/en/us/menu-nutrition/index.html

Starbucks: http: //www.starbucks.com/menu/catalog/nutrition?drink=all

 Ebonics –describes the vernacular used by African Americans and which was popularized by rap and hip hop music. Ebonics has so eclipsed all that is ‘cool’, that it has crept into our everyday language.

 Many purists deride the use of slang. They claim it pollutes the English language and threatens its integrity. I disagree. The truth is, English has never been a pure language – ask anyone who has pondered why ‘ph’ has the same sound as ‘f’ or why we don’t spell ’taught’ in a way that is remotely intelligible.

 English is a fusion of languages adopted from the hordes, tribes and nations that swept over what is today known as England. With each conquest, new words were adopted and some (rather grudgingly) were lent from the French and Germanic dialects.

 One of the reasons English has been successful as a language is precisely because it grows. It evolves. It continually reinvents itself to keep up with social changes.

Ebonics is the voice of a new generation. It expresses the feelings, thoughts and influences that are uniquely ours. I urge you to embrace Ebonics, enjoy it. Roll it around your mouth like an expensive milk chocolate and maybe you will also find colourful new ways of expressing yourself.

Just to help you, I have translated a few phrases for your edification…

 Ebonics: "You gots to git those Benjamins so you cin git dat bling-bling fo yo ride"

English: "You need to get money so that you can get garish accessories for your car."

 Ebonics:"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge."

English: “My frozen dairy dessert (or lewd sexual act) encourages boys to gather on my lawn.Of course, my dairy dessert (or lewd sexual act) is superior to yours. I would love to share this knowledge, but I would have to charge a fee for my services.”

Perhaps it would help if we gave you a more familiar example:

 John and Mary sitting in a tree                                  

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love

Then comes marriage

Then comes Mary with a baby carriage.

Don’t be trippin foo, my man and his ho are chillin in the crib

Gettin it on

First she be da booty

Then she be da shortie

Then she be da baby mama

 Word. I’m out!