the planet project

Christmas shopping is just around the corner folks...

A quintessential woman I am not, you see I don’t like shopping. Shock! Horror! Gasp! Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but I just don’t accept shopping as a national sport, not even for shoes. That’s not to say I don’t take pride in my appearance – it’s just that my hunter gatherer instincts have been hog tied and left in a deep dark cellar, somewhere in Mexico. Needless to say, I hate going to malls and try to avoid doing so on pain of death.

‘Tis not so easy to accomplish as you may think. Social occasions and bonding moments require women to shop together. “Come shopping for a wedding dress with me” is not a proposition that one could decline and continue living. And so the odd feminine foray to the mall is unavoidable.

Rules of Engagement

Necessity is the mother of invention and if you would rather chew glass than take the wife and kids to the department store, I have devised some activities to make these trips a little less like root canal and a little more like fun:

Setting all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at once is fun, but setting them to go off 5 minutes apart is endless fun.

Enlist the kids: It stops them from whining and terrorizing other shoppers. Put them in the cart with arms and mouths bound with duct tape. Assure other shoppers that the situation is ‘under control.’

Dribble tomato juice all the way to the washrooms. Hand prints on the doors won’t hurt either!

When announcements are made, ask other shoppers if they can hear the ‘voices’ too!

Hide in the shopping racks in the women’s section and, when someone moves clothes on a hanger near you, jump out at them.

Cookie dough looks remarkably like brains…..

When trying on clothing, knock on the stall next to you and ask the occupant if there is any toilet paper in there.

Find the in-store cameras and use this as an opportunity to practice you performance art. Nudity is permitted if it’s in the name of art.

Ban Bliss

Aside from improving the shopping experience, being banned from several malls will give you a great excuse not to go shopping. If a friend or family member has had a particularly harrowing trip to the mall with you, tell them to spread it around to ensure that others are forewarned.

Moustaches; much maligned, misunderstoodand marginalised. Not since the likes of Magnum P.I., has the moustache been able to tickle a ladies fancy. The moustache’s sad decline hit rock bottom when it was satirized in pop media with the likes of Ned Flanders and Ron Burgandy sporting luscious fuzzies. Behold; the moustache is BACK and getting love from everyone except the Amish.

It’s not surprising that the moustache should make a comeback; it does seem to be the mark of remarkable men. I mean, think about it; would Nietzsche ever have held sway had he not had such a plush caterpillar of a moustache? Would Hitler have looked half as maniacal without the overgrown nose hairs? Would we have swooned so had Jimmy Hendrix not sported his definitive Fu Manchu?

Nietzche

Not only the stuff of dictators (Stain, Hitler, Mugabe, Lord Kitchener); the moustache has become, once again, the hallmark of the ubermensch. The fullness and length, even the style speaks volumes of the man who sports it. If you are considering a moustache of your own, then you need to consult the pros.

 Lord Kitchener

Jon Chattman and Rich Tarantino in their book “Sweet ‘Stache: 50 Badass Moustaches and the Faces Who Sport Them,” rate moustaches according to a gruelling list of criteria and they awarded their only perfect 10 to Sam Elliot, quintessential cowboy whose ‘stache was the highlight of my Big Lebowski experience.

Sam Elliot

Moustaches are not for everyone. If you have sparse and patchy facial hair; it’s best to skip it, even if all the cool kids are doing it (I’m talking to you, McLovin!) If you are man enough, then careful consideration must be given to style and length. There are many wonderful looks to choose from.

The Fu Manchu      Handlebar    The Dali        The Walrus        The Toothbrush

If you are considering a moustache, why not wait until Movember? Movember is a moustache movement; a kind of guerrilla facial warfare, if you will. It started in a pub (naturally,) in Melbourne in 2003 as an excuse to bring back the moustache. Participating ‘MoBros’ start the month of November clean shaven, they begin to cultivate their moustaches. As progress is made, MoBros use the increased attention and/or ridicule to raise funds for prostate cancer. MoBros get donations from family and friends (to date $47 Million) which go to the Prostate Cancer and Lance Armstrong foundations. The event culminates in flash parties around the globe where MoBros complete for the coveted ‘Man of Movember’ prize. www.movember.com

Despite the Times Square bomb scare, the Levity Project continued with its plans to contribute to world laughter day yesterday by conducting laughter events on the subways. The laughter trains all ended in Times Square where members of the Levity Project marched to the UN, giggling all the way.

“The Levity Project is a social movement creating change through public acts of play, laughter, and celebration. The mission of The Levity Project is to help decrease the spirit of negativity, stress, and fatigue in our society by infusing public spaces with a lighter and more buoyant energy,” said a CNN iReport correspondent.

The group meets in a central place, and then splits into groups which each take a subway train. They begin to laugh on the train and this encourages those around them to laugh, smile or just feel a little lighter.

Members of the public are encouraged to start their own laughter groups, any time, any place. Get out there and GIGGLE!

Antwone Fisher – protagonist of the movie with the same name and real life screenwriter – recently released a book titled: “A Boy Should Know How to Tie a Tie: And Other Lessons for Succeeding in Life.”

“I think a lot of people complain about young people and the way they dress or behave, but for some of them, no one ever explained those things,” Fisher said. He postulates that young men, raised by single mothers or fathers who are too busy trying to “make it” to pay them due attention, are not taught the fundamentals of being a man.

Of course he is talking about the nuts and bolts: How to tie a tie, tuck a shirt and shave, but he certainly has a point. A well turned out young man is a rare sight.

Remember the days when men were men? They looked sharp, had well manicured nails, helped old ladies cross the street, opened doors, bought flowers and generally wore the hell out of those pants. Chivalry is dead and it’s the ladies who are loading rolls of plastic and shovels into the trunk.

That’s right ladies – you with your salad bars, skinny lattes, rom coms and sensitivity feelings ‘n stuff. You have raised your sons to be the men your husbands and fathers never were. The result of your sensitivity training is that doors remain unopened and little old ladies have to brave the zebra crossings alone while we stay at home on Sundays and tear up to HBO specials.

I say bring back the heroes. It’s time to reclaim our rightful place in the world. Hand me those pants, woman! Out with Appletinis, in with Martinis! Hold the skinny soy milk latte with a twist, just give it to me strong and black. I am an M.A.N!

Some years, Christmas comes early...

 Ebonics –describes the vernacular used by African Americans and which was popularized by rap and hip hop music. Ebonics has so eclipsed all that is ‘cool’, that it has crept into our everyday language.

 Many purists deride the use of slang. They claim it pollutes the English language and threatens its integrity. I disagree. The truth is, English has never been a pure language – ask anyone who has pondered why ‘ph’ has the same sound as ‘f’ or why we don’t spell ’taught’ in a way that is remotely intelligible.

 English is a fusion of languages adopted from the hordes, tribes and nations that swept over what is today known as England. With each conquest, new words were adopted and some (rather grudgingly) were lent from the French and Germanic dialects.

 One of the reasons English has been successful as a language is precisely because it grows. It evolves. It continually reinvents itself to keep up with social changes.

Ebonics is the voice of a new generation. It expresses the feelings, thoughts and influences that are uniquely ours. I urge you to embrace Ebonics, enjoy it. Roll it around your mouth like an expensive milk chocolate and maybe you will also find colourful new ways of expressing yourself.

Just to help you, I have translated a few phrases for your edification…

 Ebonics: "You gots to git those Benjamins so you cin git dat bling-bling fo yo ride"

English: "You need to get money so that you can get garish accessories for your car."

 Ebonics:"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge."

English: “My frozen dairy dessert (or lewd sexual act) encourages boys to gather on my lawn.Of course, my dairy dessert (or lewd sexual act) is superior to yours. I would love to share this knowledge, but I would have to charge a fee for my services.”

Perhaps it would help if we gave you a more familiar example:

 John and Mary sitting in a tree                                  

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love

Then comes marriage

Then comes Mary with a baby carriage.

Don’t be trippin foo, my man and his ho are chillin in the crib

Gettin it on

First she be da booty

Then she be da shortie

Then she be da baby mama

 Word. I’m out!