If the sounds of children's laughter fills you with bile, if the prospect of goodwill makes you want to renew your subscription to AK47's monthly, then this is the blog for you.

Christmas need not be merry, it need not be nice

You can be naughty  and mean and all filled with vice.

Here is a guide to crush all the cheer,

so you can finally have an unmerry Christmas this year.

The first order of business for you

Is to do all the damage that one grinch can do

So eat all the heads off the Gingerbread men,

Its delicious and malicious, and then

To the eggnogg add a good dose of lime

To thoroughly ruin mum and dad's good time.

Then fill all the stockings with stinky old socks

Add a dash of garlic and old eggs and lox.

Let the dog lick all the mince pies,

Unravel the mittens and cut up the ties.

Change all the names of the gifts under-tree

Fill up the apple cider with pee.

Melt all the snowmen and put the reindeer down

Chase all the angels right out of town

Short out the lights and set the tree on fire

Plot, scheme, collude and conspire.

Replace the turkey stuffing with nothing but fluffing,

Wet the firewood to get lots of huffing and puffing.

Being a Grinch is such a sinch,

You can have a good time, even in a pinch.

Merry Christmas from The Planet Project!

Christmas shopping is just around the corner folks...

A quintessential woman I am not, you see I don’t like shopping. Shock! Horror! Gasp! Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but I just don’t accept shopping as a national sport, not even for shoes. That’s not to say I don’t take pride in my appearance – it’s just that my hunter gatherer instincts have been hog tied and left in a deep dark cellar, somewhere in Mexico. Needless to say, I hate going to malls and try to avoid doing so on pain of death.

‘Tis not so easy to accomplish as you may think. Social occasions and bonding moments require women to shop together. “Come shopping for a wedding dress with me” is not a proposition that one could decline and continue living. And so the odd feminine foray to the mall is unavoidable.

Rules of Engagement

Necessity is the mother of invention and if you would rather chew glass than take the wife and kids to the department store, I have devised some activities to make these trips a little less like root canal and a little more like fun:

Setting all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at once is fun, but setting them to go off 5 minutes apart is endless fun.

Enlist the kids: It stops them from whining and terrorizing other shoppers. Put them in the cart with arms and mouths bound with duct tape. Assure other shoppers that the situation is ‘under control.’

Dribble tomato juice all the way to the washrooms. Hand prints on the doors won’t hurt either!

When announcements are made, ask other shoppers if they can hear the ‘voices’ too!

Hide in the shopping racks in the women’s section and, when someone moves clothes on a hanger near you, jump out at them.

Cookie dough looks remarkably like brains…..

When trying on clothing, knock on the stall next to you and ask the occupant if there is any toilet paper in there.

Find the in-store cameras and use this as an opportunity to practice you performance art. Nudity is permitted if it’s in the name of art.

Ban Bliss

Aside from improving the shopping experience, being banned from several malls will give you a great excuse not to go shopping. If a friend or family member has had a particularly harrowing trip to the mall with you, tell them to spread it around to ensure that others are forewarned.

The only certainties in life are death, taxes and music. But the greatest of these is music. Purveyors of the great art of music are so revered that they have been admired, loved, even worshiped. They are gods among men. How is it that those among us, so adored and gifted, seem so fraught and conflicted and all too often meet untimely ends?

Ah, the romance of the Rock and Roll lifestyle. Show me the man, woman or child who has not clutched a hairbrush in the privacy of their rooms while belting out their favorite tunes and I will show you a future accountant. I can say with absolute certainty that I am not alone in practicing my Grammy Awards acceptance speech in the shower.

Of course, there are no free lunches and this line of work comes at a particularly high price. Live fast, die young in the music world is a great career choice that an inordinately large number of musicians make. Some argue that the rock and roll lifestyle only seems to claim more victims as they get more press, but the sad truth is that being a rock star is a very dangerous sport….

A recent study by John Moore University showed that, statistically, a rock star’s risk of death is 1.7 times higher than those who pursue less hazardous occupations. The vast majority of deaths (28%) are drug and alcohol related and about 7% die from accidents (probably also drug and alcohol related). Why do we lose such a large number of musical geniuses at a young age? My theory is that the devil claims the best musicians for himself. Allow me to elaborate…

An inordinately large number of musicians die at the age of 27 giving rise to the infamous curse of the “Forever Club 27”. Perhaps curse is a strong word but it would be fatuous to ignore such an eerie statistical anomaly.

Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones is generally credited as being the founding member of the club after he drowned in his swimming pool in 1969. The curse, however, has a far more ominous origin; little know guitarist Robert Johnson is regarded by many as the greatest blues guitarist who ever lived. Johnson’s initial forays into music were mediocre at best. When blues legend Son House played the circuit in Johnson’s hometown, Johnson followed him around, unsuccessfully trying to mimic House’s style. When House passed back through town a few months later, Johnson’s guitar technique had blossomed into a sinister, primal beast of epic proportions. The change was phenomenal.

Johnson’s otherworldly talent was haunting and he sang of dark shadows and being pursued by the hounds of hell. One of his songs told of a midnight meeting at a crossroads where he made a deal with the devil – his soul for the most profound blues ever played. He died spectacularly on stage at 27 in 1938 after drinking poisoned whiskey.

And so it began; Brian Jones followed in 1969, then it was the turn of guitar legend Jimi Hendrix (asphyxiated, 18 September 1970) and Janis Joplin (heroine overdose, 4 October 1970). Jim Morrison died of a heart attack in his bathtub on 3 July 1971 and, more recently, Kurt Cobain shot himself on 8 April 1994. These are the most famous members of the 27 club, but there are a chilling 34 in total.

Conspiracy theorists would have us believe that it’s the subversive nature of music that has resulted in the deaths of its commandos of cool. Rock and Roll attained popularity at a time when the civil rights movement began. It achieved the kind of integration in styles that many desired in their societies. It provided grounds for common interest as black performers garnered respect and a following from white audiences. Music has always challenged the boundaries of government, church and social norms. Theorists suggest that it’s the state that has culled those who they perceive to threaten social stability.

Whatever the reason, it is wretched that so many beautiful, talented, inspirational young legends are lost along with the songs that will never enrich our lives. Although we have not had a new club member for some time, the loss of the young to the gaping vortex of fame continues. Perhaps hell has all the best musicians after all.

Why South Africa is under the weather

South Africa’s recent renown as a soccer venue has raised the profile of the most developed country in Africa. Most people remember fondly the release of Nelson Mandela from prison and the triumph of democracy over apartheid. The ‘Rainbow Nation’ was touted as a successful black state and a blueprint for the peaceful implementation of democracy in Africa. But democracy in Africa has a notoriously unsuccessful history and South Africa’s new leader may prove to be no exception to the dictatorial stereotype that plagues the continent’s leaders.

Ubuntu: A Blessing or a Curse?

South African culture is based on Ubuntu – the noble system which gives each person a role in society and lays out a purpose and guidelines for their lives. This is a system which encourages neighbours to share crops and take care of each other. Their pain is your pain; their victories are your victories. Each person is a witness to your life as you are to theirs. Ubuntu is both the tie that binds and the tie that restrains. This loyalty to kin requires people to act in ways that are not necessarily in their own best interest, to vote according to tribal affiliations rather than for the political party which most closely meets their needs. Leaders who are in power are not accountable; power is their right –not a privilege.

Dictator Rising

 Enter Julius Malema, president of the ANC Youth League, and unabashed demagogue. In March 2010, Malema was found guilty of hate speech after repeatedly singing the controversial “Shoot the Boer (white farmer)” song at political rallies. In April, he visited Zimbabwe on an ‘indigenization’ tour where he praised Robert Mugabe and suggested that the land seizures which have brought that country to its knees, be implemented in South Africa. He fatuously criticized Morgan Tsvangeri – Zimbabwe’s democratic opposition leader – and accused him of being in league with imperialists. Accusing one of imperialism is somewhat outdated in these parts, especially a man of Tsvangeri’s ilk.

The Malema madness continued. He criticized the Movement for Democratic Change for having their offices in Sandton – a rich suburb of Johannesburg. When a BBC journalist pointed out that that Malema also lived in Sandton, Malema let fly with a string of insults – accusing the journalist (among other things) of having ‘rubbish in his trousers’.

Zuma’s Response

This attack on the foreign press finally prompted a response. The unfailing support and devotion that SA President Zuma and Malema had displayed towards each other gave way as Zuma publicly chided Malema for his behaviour. Malema responded in style, accusing the president of being like Thabo Mbeki – the man he ousted from power to claim the presidency. The animosity peaked and soon charges against Malema were dropped, he was given a slap on the wrist and sent to an anger management class.

He continued to praise Mugabe in public and sniff out one controversy after another – displaying a knack for falling on the wrong side of every moral issue. He had also come under attack for awarding government contracts in the hundreds of millions to companies he had created. He dismissed these claims as ‘racist’ saying whites did not want to see black businessmen succeed. All the claims had been made by black South Africans. He released personal details of black journalists who had been critical of his business dealings including the identity numbers, addresses, bank details and car registrations of their wives and children. He led a youth league foray to Venezuela to study the politics of socialism and has begun to arm and train his cadres at both military and naval bases. Many people have called for his immediate dismissal (there is even a Facebook site to this end) but I think Julius Malema is the bitter tonic to South Africa’s afflictions.

 Cruel to be Kind

Malema madness is so extreme, so obviously malignant that it may just be the jolt that South Africans need to wake them from their malaise. Malema’s outrageous statements have garnered criticism from all quarters. He defiles the names of the true heroes of the struggle which he speaks of as though he was there. He was 13 when South Africa had its first democratic election. He is the parasite on the flanks of the ANC which will weaken the party and allow true democratic opposition in a government gone rogue.

Yes, indeed! South Africa needs Malema as he so egregiously bumbles through ‘How to be an African Dictator’ as though his role has been scripted. His rank outspoken racism offends even the staunchest ANC supporters and encourages opposition. So far removed are we from the solidarity that Mandela conjured that I scarcely recognize the country of my birth. Let us dream again of Mandela’s Africa – such sweet reveries.

Love it? See more: http://friendsofirony.com/

DEATH

Sooner or later, death finds us all, but it finds some of us with our pants down. Most people spend their whole lives seeking a good death. For some this comes easily in the glory of battle or in service to others. But for these people; not so much…

Greek philosopher Chrysippus died laughing while he watched his drunken donkey trying to eat figs.

When George Plantagenet was sentenced to death; he chose to meet his maker by drowning in a barrel of Malmsey wine.

Tycho Brahe decided he would rather die than offend his hosts by leaving the banquet to go to the loo. His wish was granted and a burst bladder dispatched him at the dinner table which; according to: “Our Lady of Fatima Book of Etiquette for Young Ladies Vol. 1” is an even greater faux pas.

Carl McCunn planned to spend several months in the bush, taking wildlife pictures. He got a pilot to drop him in a remote location, but failed to make arrangements for his return. He shot himself when starvation became inevitable.

It was the day before her 100th birthday and Debbie Mills was crossing the road on her way to her party when the truck carrying her birthday cake ran into her wheelchair, killing her instantly.

Michael Lewis had a fight with lover Tony Berry. He drugged him, stripped him and dropped him off in Harlem wearing a sign which read: “Death to N——s’. Two minutes later, Berry was dead.

Jay Newton perished when colleague, BrianHartley, accidentally released a harness holding a twenty ton killer whale at SeaWorld in Florida. Newton was examining the harness at the time and was crushed to death.

Brett Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston waited tables together at the Wild Wing Café in South Carolina. Overcome with mutual ardour, they slipped up to the roof to have public relations. Inexplicably, their love making took a turn for the worse when they both fell off the roof and died, naked on thepavement below.

Moustaches; much maligned, misunderstoodand marginalised. Not since the likes of Magnum P.I., has the moustache been able to tickle a ladies fancy. The moustache’s sad decline hit rock bottom when it was satirized in pop media with the likes of Ned Flanders and Ron Burgandy sporting luscious fuzzies. Behold; the moustache is BACK and getting love from everyone except the Amish.

It’s not surprising that the moustache should make a comeback; it does seem to be the mark of remarkable men. I mean, think about it; would Nietzsche ever have held sway had he not had such a plush caterpillar of a moustache? Would Hitler have looked half as maniacal without the overgrown nose hairs? Would we have swooned so had Jimmy Hendrix not sported his definitive Fu Manchu?

Nietzche

Not only the stuff of dictators (Stain, Hitler, Mugabe, Lord Kitchener); the moustache has become, once again, the hallmark of the ubermensch. The fullness and length, even the style speaks volumes of the man who sports it. If you are considering a moustache of your own, then you need to consult the pros.

 Lord Kitchener

Jon Chattman and Rich Tarantino in their book “Sweet ‘Stache: 50 Badass Moustaches and the Faces Who Sport Them,” rate moustaches according to a gruelling list of criteria and they awarded their only perfect 10 to Sam Elliot, quintessential cowboy whose ‘stache was the highlight of my Big Lebowski experience.

Sam Elliot

Moustaches are not for everyone. If you have sparse and patchy facial hair; it’s best to skip it, even if all the cool kids are doing it (I’m talking to you, McLovin!) If you are man enough, then careful consideration must be given to style and length. There are many wonderful looks to choose from.

The Fu Manchu      Handlebar    The Dali        The Walrus        The Toothbrush

If you are considering a moustache, why not wait until Movember? Movember is a moustache movement; a kind of guerrilla facial warfare, if you will. It started in a pub (naturally,) in Melbourne in 2003 as an excuse to bring back the moustache. Participating ‘MoBros’ start the month of November clean shaven, they begin to cultivate their moustaches. As progress is made, MoBros use the increased attention and/or ridicule to raise funds for prostate cancer. MoBros get donations from family and friends (to date $47 Million) which go to the Prostate Cancer and Lance Armstrong foundations. The event culminates in flash parties around the globe where MoBros complete for the coveted ‘Man of Movember’ prize. www.movember.com

The Hinks is a feline with a capital ‘C’. Although he is not your average household pet, he does occasionally give audience to his humans who adore him and write songs and haikus to his magnificence.

The Hinks Abides

Recently, the Hinks had a lady caller. The beguiling Osaka graced the house with her presence while her humans were on holiday. The Hinks developed a deep devotion to his lady friend and followed her about the house, meowing his undying love. However, much to The Hinks’ distress, his advances were rebuffed.

Soon after Osaka's arrival, The Hinks’ humans were lounging at home when they were surprised to hear a tinkle coming from the bathroom. They imagined the worst. This could only be the work of some sick, peeing cat burglar. Armed with a baseball bat and an inclination to be disturbingly impolite, they launched a ruthless attack on the bathroom only to find The Hinks perched on the seat, relieving himself.

Oh the joy! The rapture! The unabashed awesomeness that is The Hinks.

The vet proclaimed The Hinks to be of sound mind; just too polite to share the litter box with the lovely Osaka. The cunning Hinks had hatched a plan to win over his reticent companion.

The Hinks has since learnt to use the toilet for all his needs. His fame spreads far and wide. Alas, his love for Osaka remains unrequited, but The Hinks will find a way…. Watch this space for the next episode of The Magnificent Hinks!

Ode to The Hinks (By Seirna P, Hinks' human)

Hinkles loves me, this I know.

For his licking tells me so.

Peeing in the John is his way.

A little fat but that's okay.

Yes, Hinkles loves me

Yes Hinkles loves me

Yes Hinkles loves, his licking tells me so.

Wish your cat was as clever as The Hinks (as if!)? Pehaps you can try the Litter Kwitter:

www.litterkwitter.com

Forced perspective shots are fun, especially if you are new at photography. If you want to get ideas: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2t00f8/www.drweb.de/magazin/35-splendid-examples-of-forced-perspective-photography//r:f

If you have your own examples - send them in!

Science and religion have always been at loggerheads. Their disagreements have been many, varied and colourful, but centre around their opposing ontological approaches i.e. religion sees nature as spiritual and science sees nature as material. Mysticism goes beyond religion and science to combine both points of view.

Mysticism demands that its followers verify and question beliefs until they discover the truths themselves. Followers are called verifiers or seekers and should not accept doctrine, but question it; “In mysticism, then, we find a type of spirituality which has close epistemological parallels to science – a spirituality that begins with faith but ends in a certainty which each of us can and must discover in our own practice.” Joel Morwood.

The certainty of science has been damaged by quantum theory. The experimental approach is debunked as ‘facts’ recorded by empirical observations are flawed by the subjectivity of the senses. Time and space are no longer thought of as constant or linear; sub-atomic phenomena behave differently in the presence of observers and are now thought of in terms of both waves and particles. This idea demands a ‘complementarity’ or the necessity to hold two seemingly opposing ideas in the mind at the same time – something mystics are usually ridiculed for.” Quantum theory has led the physicists far away from the simple materialistic views that prevailed in the natural science of the nineteenth century.” Werner Heisenberg. This seems to suggest that the fundamental realities of mysticism and science are moving closer together.

Many scientists have published books that show the similarities between the beliefs of mysticism and science. Even Stephen Hawkings can ‘…see God in my equations.” People who believe they are ‘serious’ scientists say this is all stuff and nonsense. They claim that this is pop science and does nothing but get book deals and lucrative grants.

Still, the mystics smile knowingly and beckon us to the ‘dark side’, to enlightenment.

They claim that, in order to understand nature, we must abandon empiricism, materialism and knowledge itself in order to ‘know’. The truths of science are not the same as the mystical truths, although there was a time when we thought they were. Mystical truths are absolute; beyond concepts, subjectivity, culture and world views.

Whether you are on the side of science or religion, there is undeniable evidence of phenomena which cannot be explained solely by one side or the other. If we thought of both science and mysticism in terms of energy, we seem to be talking the same language.

In China, the essence of everything is believed to be ‘chi’ – a kind of divine energy which polarizes into yin and yang (positive and negative). In India, Brahman is the creative power flanked by Vishnu and Shiva. Matter is condensed energy; “By energising of consciousness, Brahman is massed; from that, matter is born and from matter, life and mind and the worlds… “Mundaja Upanishad. Tibetan philosophy also sees the essence of everything as a pulsing, dynamic energy or vibration. According to these approaches, ‘consciousness’ is simply an awareness of this energy. Mysticism is a way to lock into this energy – to channel, change, read and direct it. Practitioners initially learn from it, but with time and practice are able to use it to heal or change the environment around them. In a controlled lab experiment, Beverly Rubick (a biophysicist at San Francisco State University) tested the effects of psychic healers: “I knew when… I intoxicated my bacteria with a dose of a certain chemical agent, that indeed they would not swim. And what we found with some of the psychic healers … is that they were able to revive a certain percentage of them. We found about seven percent motility in that experiment, as I recall.”

In the wonderfully entertaining “What the Bleep Do We Know” – an insightful documentary explaining the ideas of energy and mysticism – Dr. Masaru Emoto conducts an experiment where droplets of water are frozen under controlled lab conditions. Before each droplet is frozen, the good doctor projected an emotion and phrase like “You make me sick” or “Love and gratitude”. The resulting ice formations leave us with much food for thought. "Half of the earth is water; our body is three-quarters water. Many studies have shown subtle effects of healers upon hydrogen bonding and infrared absorption of water. None of these scientific studies can compare with the beauty and clear messages shown by Dr. Emoto's elegant work. The impact of thought and beauty has never before been demonstrated so well."

You make me sick                                              Love and Gratitude

Heavy Metal Music                                    Mozart

It seems then that perhaps one may not have to entirely abandon spirituality in order to be scientific. In fact, our scientific endeavours are pointing to the fact that a more holistic, balanced way of thinking needs to be adopted if we are going to make any headway in the fields of science or spirituality.

References:

Dr. Emoto’s website: http://www.masaru-emoto.net/

Joel Morwood: http://www.centerforsacredsciences.org/teachings/science.html

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Despite the Times Square bomb scare, the Levity Project continued with its plans to contribute to world laughter day yesterday by conducting laughter events on the subways. The laughter trains all ended in Times Square where members of the Levity Project marched to the UN, giggling all the way.

“The Levity Project is a social movement creating change through public acts of play, laughter, and celebration. The mission of The Levity Project is to help decrease the spirit of negativity, stress, and fatigue in our society by infusing public spaces with a lighter and more buoyant energy,” said a CNN iReport correspondent.

The group meets in a central place, and then splits into groups which each take a subway train. They begin to laugh on the train and this encourages those around them to laugh, smile or just feel a little lighter.

Members of the public are encouraged to start their own laughter groups, any time, any place. Get out there and GIGGLE!

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